Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The present.

It was time to sip some wine and write. I could feel it.

It's been over a month since I've even logged into this blog. Life happens. And time is flying at a rapid pace.

Nothing major has happened, just work, school, a bedroom re-design, and taking the necessary steps to get ready for IVF starting sometime in the next month or so. Oh, and one thing that sticks out in my mind: It's all paid for. We're officially enrolled IVF patients. We're gonna do this thing.


I am still in shock that we are here. That within two months, I could be pregnant. That I just shelled out more money than I ever have in my life, second only to our cars and our house, for this. It is just surreal. And exciting. And terrifying.

When I think back on everything over the past 2 1/2 years that brought us to this point, I stop and pause. It's hard to believe this journey started years ago, when I finally got the courage to get off birth control because I was "finally ready" to get pregnant. I was an idiot.

I distinctly remember sitting with Jen at lunch discussing my plan. I was off birth control in September, we were going to get pregnant before the end of the year. I was going to roll over all of my PTO to the next year so I would have enough time in 9 months to take off 2 months for maternity leave. Man, I had a great plan.

I'm so glad it didn't work out.

Before we got married, we said we would start trying after two years of marriage. This June will be five years. My, how things change. For the better, I might add.

Pain has a way of changing you, refining you... questioning your resolve. Over the past two years I've been angry, afraid, broken, hopeful, depressed, sad, excited, empty, tired, and confused. I wondered how God could let this happen to me. I've felt like a bad wife. I questioned if God even cared. I've begged Him to take this away from me. I've cried. I'm screamed. I've promised to change. I've tried a lot of things, thinking each time this was "it", this is what I needed to do in order to move past this.

Finally, I resigned.

Finally, I found peace. I finally understood that I could still experience all of those emotions and still trust in God's plan for this...for my life. I stopped blaming and looking for answers, and just said, "ok". This is where life has us. This isn't a punishment or even a phase, but it just IS where we are. Tomorrow everything could change.

Be in the present moment. Don't regret yesterday, or be anxious for tomorrow.

Just, be.

So now we enter into a completely new journey, one filled with hope, and at the same time a gigantic risk. I promise to take one day at a time. I am so blessed to even be able to go down this path, as so many are not able to. I sort of feel like this is it, that I haven't even thought past this point (what if this doesn't work). I refuse to. I'm going to remain present, to cross that bridge when we come to it to cross. We're here. We've made it this far, we might as well enjoy it.

I'm gonna make the most of it.

And if you think about it, please pray for us. This is gonna take everything I've got. I'm ready.