Lately I've found myself worrying/thinking/obsessing about issues related to being pregnant and/or when our little man arrives. I don't think I'm a worried person by nature - I'm more of a "planner" - but feeling "out of control" of so many aspects of life right now is probably triggering all of this.
First, I worry that I'm gaining too much weight, combined with not eating healthy enough. Everyone tells me "you look great!" ALLLL the time, but I know what I look like under these cute maternity jeans and tops. :-P My thighs are expanding, my boobs are HUGE, my back/chest breakout sometimes, and my tight "runners butt" is just not what it used to be. I feel guilty most days for not eating vegetables (anyone who knows me, knows I don't eat them, and never have) and indulging in cravings too often. Besides the fact that I'm likely actually right on track with gaining weight and shouldn't worry, I do worry because I have 2 1/2 months left to go, and in my head I tell myself I can only gain X amount and still be within the "healthy" range suggested by the doctor. Mind you, I haven't been told this by my own doctor, this is just in my own head.
That brings me to the next issue, sort of related, of gestational diabetes. My glucose tolerance test is next Tuesday and I'm so stressed out about it. I'm psyching myself out that I won't pass. Not only did I have PCOS before getting pregnant - which is a glucose issue I took meds for - but I eat sweets a lot more since being pregnant (those darn cravings). I know, I just need to wait until I see what happens, but it's hard. I'm such a picky eater, that if I have to drastically change my diet I will not do very well.
I'm trying to not put the cart before the horse, but ... sigh. Easier said than done.
Moving on to baby-related fears, at the top of my list is figuring out child care when I go back to work after he's born. I don't have anyone I know of, who lives here, that can watch him full-time. Three years ago, different story... I had lots of Air Force wife friends that didn't work, who would've been perfect for it! But now they've all either moved away or have their own babies. What to do, what to do. This is such a HUGE decision in my mind, I just want to cry thinking about how important it is, as well as the fact that we have to make such an important decision for someone else's life.
I'm a psychology major and have done enough research to know how important early-childhood is in the context of a lifetime. It's major. And the child care/primary care giver relationship is just so, so, critical to a child, it really overwhelms me to the max.
Sure, the best option would be for me to be able to stay home and watch him. But that's not happening, at least not for several years. So is the next-best option day care or hiring a nanny to be at home three days a week? I've thought long and hard about each one, and at the moment, I'm leaning towards a nanny, even though paying one for 3 days a week is the same amount as 5 days a week of daycare. But maybe it's worth it, to keep him home longer. I think when he's older (a year +), day care will be a great choice for his development and socialization, that's not an issue. My issue is sending a 2 month old to a cold, loud, day care?? My heart hurts just thinking about it.
Oh my goodness, I can't imagine where this will go if I don't get my worries and fears under control. I know what I need to do, but it's a constant battle to reign my mind in before it snowballs outta control. I'm not looking for advice necessarily, just a forum for voicing how I feel. I know, that when I think ahead to a few years from now, this will all be a blip on the radar and our son will be a happy, healthy and well-adjusted human being. :-)
I know I'm not going to ruin him if I eat a piece of cake or send him to day care earlier than other kids. I know this is gonna be harder on me than it is on him. I know all he needs is loving parents who try their best, and who take care of themselves so that they can take care of him. I know everything will be ok. But for now, I'm worried, and I think that's ok too.