Since getting pregnant, I have felt extra sensitive towards everyone I met or currently know who is struggling with infertility. I can remember the many, many times I struggled through pregnancy announcements from friends and family members, and I desperately did not want to be the cause of anyone else's pain when making our announcement. It still felt all too familiar.
I struggled with infertility for 2 1/2 years, and have only been pregnant for 3 months. Sometimes, it still feels surreal and bizarre that this is now my reality.
Some people reading this will not understand. This is the happiest time of my life... why should I still focus on the negative, dark struggles of my past?
Let me tell you something. Infertility is not just something you forget once you get pregnant, and you certainly can never be the same person after experiencing it. I said so many times that it changes you, permanently. It feels hopeless, it makes you angry, and best of all... it gives you a new appreciation for the blessings in your life.
Looking back, I am so grateful for that journey. It made me who I am today. It makes you realize how powerless you are over your life, and therefore that much more grateful when God chooses to bless you with your heart's desires. I was speechless and terrified when I found out I was pregnant (I wrote about "the day I found out" here). I was ecstatic and hopeful. I was dumbfounded and amazed.
Because of that experience, I am finally confident that my story is my own. I take great comfort in that now. When I first got pregnant I was terrified that something would happen, that I would miscarry. I saw it happen all around me, with at least 3 other women I personally knew. It happens to more people than we probably even know. My husband was especially afraid, and while it lingered in my mind, I couldn't help but think... but this is our story.
This is our story. The past 2 1/2 years have been our story. This pregnancy is our miracle. God is still writing our story. There is no reason to compare it to anyone else. God is faithful. I worked through my doubts and fears throughout our years of infertility and finally put them in His hands. Now that I'm pregnant, I have to do the very same thing. And sometimes those fears for my unborn child feel exactly like the fears I had in the past of never having a child. Loss of control. Uncertainty.
If I had any advice to give my friends struggling with their own journey, whether it's infertility, the loss of a child, or something else, it would be this.
Embrace your story.
It's ok to be happy and sad at the same time.
Find your peace.
And never, ever, ever give up.