Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Always remember where you came from


Since getting pregnant, I have felt extra sensitive towards everyone I met or currently know who is struggling with infertility. I can remember the many, many times I struggled through pregnancy announcements from friends and family members, and I desperately did not want to be the cause of anyone else's pain when making our announcement. It still felt all too familiar.

I struggled with infertility for 2 1/2 years, and have only been pregnant for 3 months. Sometimes, it still feels surreal and bizarre that this is now my reality.

Some people reading this will not understand. This is the happiest time of my life... why should I still focus on the negative, dark struggles of my past?

Let me tell you something. Infertility is not just something you forget once you get pregnant, and you certainly can never be the same person after experiencing it. I said so many times that it changes you, permanently. It feels hopeless, it makes you angry, and best of all... it gives you a new appreciation for the blessings in your life.

Looking back, I am so grateful for that journey. It made me who I am today. It makes you realize how powerless you are over your life, and therefore that much more grateful when God chooses to bless you with your heart's desires. I was speechless and terrified when I found out I was pregnant (I wrote about "the day I found out" here). I was ecstatic and hopeful. I was dumbfounded and amazed.


I thought about the past 2 1/2 years and how hard we had tried to make our dreams come true. We learned so many lessons, met some amazing people, and our faith was tested to the limit. The overriding theme I take away from those years is that everyone's story is unique. My story is not your story. Just because you got pregnant when you "stopped trying" or ate 5 pineapple cores doesn't mean that it will work for me.

Because of that experience, I am finally confident that my story is my own. I take great comfort in that now. When I first got pregnant I was terrified that something would happen, that I would miscarry. I saw it happen all around me, with at least 3 other women I personally knew. It happens to more people than we probably even know. My husband was especially afraid, and while it lingered in my mind, I couldn't help but think... but this is our story.

This is our story. The past 2 1/2 years have been our story. This pregnancy is our miracle. God is still writing our story. There is no reason to compare it to anyone else. God is faithful. I worked through my doubts and fears throughout our years of infertility and finally put them in His hands. Now that I'm pregnant, I have to do the very same thing. And sometimes those fears for my unborn child feel exactly like the fears I had in the past of never having a child. Loss of control. Uncertainty.

So maybe now some can better understand when I say that those feelings never go away. Those lessons were learned the hard way. They must be implemented daily, just in a different situation. This is why I say I'm grateful for those years. They made me who I am today.

If I had any advice to give my friends struggling with their own journey, whether it's infertility, the loss of a child, or something else, it would be this.

Embrace your story.

It's ok to be happy and sad at the same time.

Find your peace. 

And never, ever, ever give up.


3 comments:

  1. You made me cry, my friend. This is an absolutely incredible post. Thank you for writing it, and for having shared your journey with me (and the world) for however long you've been sharing. You are going to be an incredible mother and YOUR story is beautiful!!

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  2. I have a friend who is struggling with infertility right now and it's been about a year. I know that my telling her I was pregnant was heart wrenching for her and probably really hard to digest. We've been friends for 10 years and watched one another have our fair share of struggles.
    I pray everyday that God will bless her with a baby, I want nothing more than that for her.

    I sometimes feel guilty that things came so easy for me when they don't for so many others, but that's life. It's not like I've never struggled, I've just struggled in a different way and I think that's okay too.

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    1. Amanda - you shouldn't feel guilty! Everyone's story is different, and that was the point of this blog post. Mine is not yours, and yours is not mine. We can't compare them or we'd be stuck in the endless cycle of unhappiness and/or guilt/worry. Still can't believe you're due the day after me! :)

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