Thursday, June 6, 2013

The day I found out

Friday, May 10, 2013.

I will never forget that day. The day our lives were destined to change forever.

The day I found out I was pregnant.

After three years of heartache and struggling with infertility -- well-documented here in this blog -- I truly couldn't believe my eyes. That faint, second line. My eyes must be playing tricks on me!

I did what you're probably not "supposed" to do when you take a pregnancy test -- I watched the fluid creep up the little window until it was all the way, and strained to see the results. It only took about 30 seconds until that second line started to show. And about 5 seconds after that for my heart to start racing.

I jumped up, didn't bother to pull my underwear back up, and ran to show Eric. This was about 9AM, and he had just gotten home at 7AM after working a 12-hour shift. I just kept saying "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." He was half asleep as I shoved the test in his face and said, "Babe! Look at this! Oh my god!"

Definitely not the way I had all planned out in my head to tell my husband I'm pregnant. But don't we know by now how well planning works out for me? Yes. See exhibit Z on how well planning has worked for Stephanie in the past. I mean let's be real.

At first, Eric only saw one line. I grabbed his glasses and told him to look closer. When he saw the faint second line, he said just that. "But it's so faint." But OHHHH NO. I proceeded to tell him how many tests I've examined over the years, and how much I KNOW THAT IS A REAL LINE. There is no question. The only question was if the test was flawed. But I didn't have anymore tests to try!

So, Eric apparently GOES BACK TO BED because he was just not convinced it was real. I mean, this is really how I felt too, if I'm honest. Disbelief. Shock. I texted the picture to a few girlfriends, a couple who had been pregnant, just to be sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. They all freaked out.

I just knew.

After a few minutes, I jumped in the shower so I could get ready and head out to buy more tests. Eric walks in and just starts talking -- stuff we both we're thinking -- "Is this for real?" "Are you sure?" "Oh my god, I can't believe it." "I'm googling it." "Babe, you're pregnant!"

Then, he couldn't go back to sleep. For the next hour or so we just laid in bed and talked about it. I can't even explain that time. He would tear up. I would stare at him and say "Eek!" He was silently praying to God, begging for this to be the real thing.

Once again, this is not really how I imagined my reaction to be if I ever found out I was pregnant. I imagined myself bawling, falling to my knees, thanking God. That's not what I did. I honestly was in shock. It was truly an out-of-body experience. I kept thinking, there is no way this journey is over. That this is it. This is how it ends? No IVF? No shots? No more waiting? IS THIS REALLY IT?!?!?

I honestly hadn't cried yet. It was still sinking in. I'd also hardly had a moment to myself from that test on Friday morning until late Sunday afternoon. I rushed off to the doctor in Orlando that day to get blood work done, which we repeated again on Sunday. Mother's Day. We told Eric's mom that day. We had face-timed with my parents the day before and told them.

The first blood test from Friday came back definitely positive. Anything above a 5 is positive for pregnancy, and mine was at 58. Then, the test from Sunday showed the level had risen to 142. This was real. The nurse said "congratulations" and scheduled me for a 7-week ultrasound with my doctor. What do you know, but that 7-week mark would be the date of our 5th wedding anniversary.

I mean really.

Could God have planned this any better? I get a positive test literally just days before we were supposed to start IVF, two days before Mother's Day, and our first ultrasound is on our anniversary. This isn't an accident.

This is a miracle.

So Sunday afternoon, driving home by myself after telling Eric's family and getting the call from the nurse, I think it sank in. I was listening to "Even If" by Kutless and "I Need a Miracle" by Third Day. Two songs I'd listened to repeatedly during hard times.  I remembered all of those feelings I had, sometimes after driving back from a doctors appointment, like I was then. But this time, I had a different feeling. A feeling that is unexplainable. Complete humility. Gratefulness. Unworthiness.

Finally, the tears came. In a wave, rushing through me, my heart nearly bursting.

The only thing I could manage to say in prayer was thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, God, for this gift. Thank you for your timing. Thank you for this journey. Thank you for always being with me, even when I was angry. Thank you for renewing my faith in miracles.

Thank you.

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come 


Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come


7 comments:

  1. Love this! God loves showing Himself strong in such imaginative ways! We are so overwhelmed with praise, thankfulness, joy, and so happy, happy, happy!!!

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  2. Okay this is way too crazy!!!! I found out mothers day weekend too :) :) and my husband did not believe me at first but after taking 10 pregnancy tests, he finally realized this was for real! I just kept thinking how on earth did this happen, I had messed up taking my birth control and then remembered a one time moment of not being careful the weekend of my brother/sister-in-laws bachelor/bachelorette party.....and that was all it took!

    I'm so excited for us to be pregnant blogging buddies and cannot wait to hear more! What an amazing miracle for you and your husband!!!!!

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  3. Such perfect timing. He is so faithful. :)

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  4. I'm crying. I'm smiling. My heart is bursting with joy for you guys!! I'm so happy prayers have been answered!!

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  5. This made me cry! We had stopped treatment and got pregnant the next month on our own. Such a miracle our stories are! Isn't it so nice to pray a thank you to God, instead please can I have a baby? Loved the story and your journey. I can't wait to hear what you are having. Congrats!

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  6. Oh my gosh! Amazing! Congrats!!

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  7. This is amazing!! We too are praying and believing for a miracle. Thanks for sharing your story! What a beautiful testimony

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