Tuesday, October 16, 2012

This is your life.

I'm not sure how this became my life.

A life of doctors appointments, pills, shots, and procedures. A life filled with a basketcase of emotions, mixed in with a pinch of hope that is only lost a few short days later.

How did I become this person? The person that has friends who I haven't seen in forever, to only have them ask about how "the whole pregnancy thing" is going as a means of making conversation. I'm "that" person, the one who can't get pregnant, who writes long, emotional blog posts. The person that gets so angry at my husband for not understanding what I'm going through, so frustrated because I feel like I'm doing this by myself sometimes, that I'm making all the decisions. The person that feels hope slipping away on a daily basis, becoming resigned to feeling empty and angry.

The person who hopes for good news every month, while preparing for/expecting overwhelming disappointment. Simultaneously. Try that on for size, see how you like it.

At least this time, I saw it coming. A negative pregnancy test on Saturday and I prepared myself for the barrage of emotions that were sure to come, feeling like a failure, and hard decisions of what to do next. Another negative on Monday and I just held on for the ride. Here we go again... I know what to expect. I'm becoming an expert in disappointment.

So again, I ask myself... how did I become this person? How is this my life?

I decided its time for a change. As much of a change as I have control over anyway, which isn't much. But it's something.

I decided to take a break until next year. I say that I decided, because my husband said "do whatever you want" and because he doesn't have to do any of the "work", it doesn't affect him. I'm not happy about that, but we're working on it. So much of me wants to keep trying, to just continue to shove down how I'm feeling and not deal with it. To pretend this doesn't bother me, that I'm as strong as people want me to be, and just move on to "next time". To just jump into IVF, screw the money. But I know I just can't do that... I know better.

This is why I also decided to see a therapist. Our agency has infertility therapists that incorporate a "mind body" approach, teaching you coping techniques, yoga, stress relieving practices, and therapy. I'm not much of a hippie or naturalist, but I figure what the hell. They say this program has been "clinically proven to reduce the distress associated with infertility and may increase pregnancy rates". I just want someone to talk to, to tell me I'm not crazy, and to help me and my husband find a happy medium on our issues. I emailed the therapist today. We'll see.

I know that this is stressful and hard, and I shouldn't minimize it. I should deal with how I'm feeling and not ignore it. But sometimes people make me feel crazy because they don't see it the way I do. Be strong, have optimism, stop being so stressed out, relax, eat healthier. Thanks for the advice, but kindly STFU. I'm not asking for people to wallow in self-pity with me, but neither do I need your ignorant, unsolicited advice. I have friends who listen, who know me, and that's all I need. I truly appreciate the friends who offer support in positive thoughts, "bump dust", and prayers. I love you all for that.

And for myself, I need to be in a better place. The last thing I want to do is bring a baby into my life when I am in a bad place emotionally. I can't expect it to just magically change if I get pregnant. So whatever that means, whatever it takes, I'm going to try. For a student going to school to be a psychologist, I feel so lost sometimes on how to handle my own problems. Might as well start somewhere.

This is my life, and this isn't who I want to be. The good thing is, I DO have control over that.

The other good news is, I can drink as much as I want over the holidays!

See, there is always something to be thankful for.

Monday, October 1, 2012

... the waiting begins today.

"Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy -- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." Brené Brown

When I say this is a roller coaster of emotions, it's true. A couple of weeks ago, as you know, I was upset, depressed and frustrated. Today, I feel like I'm climbing back to the top, anxious, nervous, and daring to be excited. Stay tuned to see what next week holds. ;-)

So as you may (or may not) know, for the past week or so, I've been doing FSH shots every other day to "stimulate" my follicles, in addition to Metformin, Clomid, and the Ovidrel trigger shot. We decided not to do an IUI this month, which the doctor didn't think was necessary either.

The "pen" looks like this:

There is a wide range of complications that can come out of doing this shot, including ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, ruptured/twisted ovaries, and of course, multiples. :-) I didn't really expect to feel any different with this new shot, but I really can feel my ovaries hurting, like they are swollen.

This past Saturday, I drove to Orlando for my follicle scan ultrasound, and was anxious to see how the FSH worked in producing better follicles (therefore better eggs). As a comparison, I had ONE good follicle last month when we did the IUI, which of course was unsuccessful.

So during the ultrasound, I'm watching her find and measure the follicles, and there is one, two, three, four... five, six, seven ...!! and even more. I lost count. And they were a good size too! I couldn't believe it. In the end, there was probably around 12 follicles. WHAT. (no wonder I'm hurting! lol) The nurse asked me if we were doing IVF because there were so many! (it kind of made me wish we were!)

I was so excited. I know most people are only excited for me because I'm excited talking about 12 follicles, even though they don't know what they are excited about exactly! Hahah. Quite honestly, I don't know all of the details either, like how many eggs are in each follicle or whatever, but I just leave that up to the doctors.

Later that day, the doctor called me and told me to do one more FSH shot that night, and then to do the Oviderel trigger shot the next day (last night). They told me they determined there would be two follicles that would release this cycle, so I get the mandantory disclaimer that this "could result in multiple births" etc etc.  and to only proceed if we are comfortable with that risk.

That just makes me smile. I would be thrilled with one, and I would also love twins. ;-) Lets get this show on the road!

The two-week wait begins today! I'm anxious and trying not to get ahead of myself.

Here's to owning my story, choosing to be vulnerable, and being brave.

Keep your fingers crossed.

P.S. I got my hair cut! (and I got Instagram (new iPhone 5 baby)! Follow me @ mrsstrodtman)