Tuesday, October 16, 2012

This is your life.

I'm not sure how this became my life.

A life of doctors appointments, pills, shots, and procedures. A life filled with a basketcase of emotions, mixed in with a pinch of hope that is only lost a few short days later.

How did I become this person? The person that has friends who I haven't seen in forever, to only have them ask about how "the whole pregnancy thing" is going as a means of making conversation. I'm "that" person, the one who can't get pregnant, who writes long, emotional blog posts. The person that gets so angry at my husband for not understanding what I'm going through, so frustrated because I feel like I'm doing this by myself sometimes, that I'm making all the decisions. The person that feels hope slipping away on a daily basis, becoming resigned to feeling empty and angry.

The person who hopes for good news every month, while preparing for/expecting overwhelming disappointment. Simultaneously. Try that on for size, see how you like it.

At least this time, I saw it coming. A negative pregnancy test on Saturday and I prepared myself for the barrage of emotions that were sure to come, feeling like a failure, and hard decisions of what to do next. Another negative on Monday and I just held on for the ride. Here we go again... I know what to expect. I'm becoming an expert in disappointment.

So again, I ask myself... how did I become this person? How is this my life?

I decided its time for a change. As much of a change as I have control over anyway, which isn't much. But it's something.

I decided to take a break until next year. I say that I decided, because my husband said "do whatever you want" and because he doesn't have to do any of the "work", it doesn't affect him. I'm not happy about that, but we're working on it. So much of me wants to keep trying, to just continue to shove down how I'm feeling and not deal with it. To pretend this doesn't bother me, that I'm as strong as people want me to be, and just move on to "next time". To just jump into IVF, screw the money. But I know I just can't do that... I know better.

This is why I also decided to see a therapist. Our agency has infertility therapists that incorporate a "mind body" approach, teaching you coping techniques, yoga, stress relieving practices, and therapy. I'm not much of a hippie or naturalist, but I figure what the hell. They say this program has been "clinically proven to reduce the distress associated with infertility and may increase pregnancy rates". I just want someone to talk to, to tell me I'm not crazy, and to help me and my husband find a happy medium on our issues. I emailed the therapist today. We'll see.

I know that this is stressful and hard, and I shouldn't minimize it. I should deal with how I'm feeling and not ignore it. But sometimes people make me feel crazy because they don't see it the way I do. Be strong, have optimism, stop being so stressed out, relax, eat healthier. Thanks for the advice, but kindly STFU. I'm not asking for people to wallow in self-pity with me, but neither do I need your ignorant, unsolicited advice. I have friends who listen, who know me, and that's all I need. I truly appreciate the friends who offer support in positive thoughts, "bump dust", and prayers. I love you all for that.

And for myself, I need to be in a better place. The last thing I want to do is bring a baby into my life when I am in a bad place emotionally. I can't expect it to just magically change if I get pregnant. So whatever that means, whatever it takes, I'm going to try. For a student going to school to be a psychologist, I feel so lost sometimes on how to handle my own problems. Might as well start somewhere.

This is my life, and this isn't who I want to be. The good thing is, I DO have control over that.

The other good news is, I can drink as much as I want over the holidays!

See, there is always something to be thankful for.


  1. very excited about the mind-body therapy approach that your specialist offers. honestly, who couldn't benefit from that! hell, i'll join you :) i feel very hopeful and excited about what you both can gain from that experience.

    beyond that, this is just a hard season. there's no getting around that, or "advice" that anyone can offer to create lasting change or fulfillment. sometimes we have to just get through whatever life is throwing at us. the key is to remember your inner strength, help others, and allow yourself to be supported by those closest to you. (and damn the rest)


  2. We had to do this too. We needed a break just to be ourselves, not ourselves + this 'ghost' that never seemed to come.
    Know you're not giving up, and it's okay to feel like this and to take the time needed.
    I'm glad you're not jumping into IVF, you're wise and you know it's not to be taken lightly.
    After our year of 'not trying' I was ready for a year of 'TRYING' no matter what it took. That was this year. Two IVF cycles in less than 6 months was rough, but it's all worth it, really. You're going to get there too, and I know you're tired of hearing that. I sure was. But I promise you, with your heart, dedication, and sound mind you will prevail. You will be 'Momma'.
    I really like this therapist idea, and wishing they had someone like that around here!
    I know it may be hard, and I wish I could be there and be your friend right now... but I'm here in any way you need.
    Praying for you every day.

  3. I've watched several friends go through this process and really struggle with loosing their identity. I know a few of them started going to couples counseling and it really helped and even got pregnant soon after they quit the IVF treatments. Now I know this isn't the same for everyone, but I think the possibility is there.

    I would like to say that I think its very brave of you to put your journey out there and I don't think you sound like a terrible person for sharing your feelings. If people don't like it, they can shove it. Sometimes people don't know how to deal with things they don't understand and most women don't struggle with infertility. Its a huge fear of mine and people tell me I'm nuts, but I've watched it happen to so many of my close friends. But I will say they are all amazing and happy mothers, no matter how long it took them to get to that place.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hope this year off does you good!

    1. I like how you put that... "losing their identity". that's exactly how I feel sometimes. thanks for the support Amanda. :)

  4. I'm excited for you. I really enjoy reading what you blog about. I would love with All my Heart to make you pregnant. But I know that I can't.

    Enjoy your drinks during the holidays and live life. Just don't stop blogging. I enjoy hearing about your day to day (or week to week) life.
    Sending happy thoughts and virtual hugs.

    1. Thank you so much :) I appreciate the support and am glad to know there are a few people who don't mind me blogging all my problems! ;) I intend to enjoy every minute of the next two months off!

  5. I think it's awesome that you are blogging about this! One day, you will look back at this and think "Wow, we have come so far!".
    I also enjoy reading how things are coming along! Tomorrow is always a new day!

    Enjoy your Holiday's! <3