A life of doctors appointments, pills, shots, and procedures. A life filled with a basketcase of emotions, mixed in with a pinch of hope that is only lost a few short days later.
How did I become this person? The person that has friends who I haven't seen in forever, to only have them ask about how "the whole pregnancy thing" is going as a means of making conversation. I'm "that" person, the one who can't get pregnant, who writes long, emotional blog posts. The person that gets so angry at my husband for not understanding what I'm going through, so frustrated because I feel like I'm doing this by myself sometimes, that I'm making all the decisions. The person that feels hope slipping away on a daily basis, becoming resigned to feeling empty and angry.
The person who hopes for good news every month, while preparing for/expecting overwhelming disappointment. Simultaneously. Try that on for size, see how you like it.
So again, I ask myself... how did I become this person? How is this my life?
I decided its time for a change. As much of a change as I have control over anyway, which isn't much. But it's something.
I decided to take a break until next year. I say that I decided, because my husband said "do whatever you want" and because he doesn't have to do any of the "work", it doesn't affect him. I'm not happy about that, but we're working on it. So much of me wants to keep trying, to just continue to shove down how I'm feeling and not deal with it. To pretend this doesn't bother me, that I'm as strong as people want me to be, and just move on to "next time". To just jump into IVF, screw the money. But I know I just can't do that... I know better.
This is why I also decided to see a therapist. Our agency has infertility therapists that incorporate a "mind body" approach, teaching you coping techniques, yoga, stress relieving practices, and therapy. I'm not much of a hippie or naturalist, but I figure what the hell. They say this program has been "clinically proven to reduce the distress associated with infertility and may increase pregnancy rates". I just want someone to talk to, to tell me I'm not crazy, and to help me and my husband find a happy medium on our issues. I emailed the therapist today. We'll see.
I know that this is stressful and hard, and I shouldn't minimize it. I should deal with how I'm feeling and not ignore it. But sometimes people make me feel crazy because they don't see it the way I do. Be strong, have optimism, stop being so stressed out, relax, eat healthier. Thanks for the advice, but kindly STFU. I'm not asking for people to wallow in self-pity with me, but neither do I need your ignorant, unsolicited advice. I have friends who listen, who know me, and that's all I need. I truly appreciate the friends who offer support in positive thoughts, "bump dust", and prayers. I love you all for that.
And for myself, I need to be in a better place. The last thing I want to do is bring a baby into my life when I am in a bad place emotionally. I can't expect it to just magically change if I get pregnant. So whatever that means, whatever it takes, I'm going to try. For a student going to school to be a psychologist, I feel so lost sometimes on how to handle my own problems. Might as well start somewhere.
This is my life, and this isn't who I want to be. The good thing is, I DO have control over that.
The other good news is, I can drink as much as I want over the holidays!
See, there is always something to be thankful for.