Tuesday, August 28, 2012


This is not what I planned to write about today, but I just read a blog from a woman who was sarcastically making fun of all her friends who installed unbaby.me and it infuriated me.

You know about this right? It's a new browser plugin you can install and have all of the pictures of babies that show up on your Facebook replaced with pictures of whatever else you want (you decide - kittens, puppies, flowers, cupcakes...). I get that it's pretty funny and dumb at the same time. And no I would never install it, even though the NON-STOP barrage of kid/baby pictures can really wear on me. Not even just "wear on me", but hurt like hell is a more accurate description. Yes I get that simply hiding pictures of babies won't solve my problems. But that isn't the point.

The point is people like this blog writer who just don't get it. People who have never struggled a day in their life with this baby thing. Who got pregnant because they decided it was time and, magically, they got exactly what they wanted. Seriously, I'm happy for you that it worked out the way you planned. And never in a million years would I be angry at you, unhappy for you, or mean to you.

You deserve to be able to post a picture of your pee stick announcing your pregnancy. You have every right to mail me a special card in the mail announcing your "souvenir" from your vacation in Italy after a month off birth control. No one can stop you from installing Baby Gaga and auto-updating me on your weekly progress. This is probably the happiest time in your life, you are over the moon, hormonal, and already overly-protective of the little watermelon seed inside of you. Good for you! You go and do all that, because you can, and you deserve to.

But let's not forget that this also means I have every right  to be struggling and post how I'm feeling. I am allowed to say that seeing pregnancy announcements on a daily basis can sometimes cut me straight to the heart. And that sometimes I wish I could "hide" those announcements (without fearing my pregnant "friends" will instantaneously delete me and refuse to speak to me). I'm allowed to post that I'm at the Center for Reproductive Medicine trying to get pregnant again this month, for the 1382747th time. I'm allowed to post pictures of my dog just as much as you post pictures of your kid. No one can stop me from saying I feel like giving up, feeling so tired of continually trying, and continually being happy for others who have exactly what I want without going through the pain and heartache.

See, we're not so different after all. We're both allowed to express ourselves! Amazing concept, isn't it?

I have been so blessed recently with a blog friend, who has struggled with infertility for over four years, get pregnant in her 2nd round of IVF. What did she do that was so special? Before she officially announced her pregnancy officially on Facebook or her blog, she private messaged me and shared it with me... AND gave me time, space, and freedom to be upset if that was the case. Why? She certainly had no obligation to do so. My heart wants to explode thinking about how happy she must be after trying for so long... so imagine how she feels! She did it because she knows what it's like to be in my shoes. It is an incredible feeling to know someone really gets it and chooses to think of others who are struggling, above themselves and their happiness. That is a rare, rare, jewel of a person. I was humbled and overwhelmed by the kindness of her gesture. I will never forget it.

Other friends of mine who are currently pregnant have taken me aside and told me individually, not in a group setting, about their big news. My friend Callie took me out to lunch to break the news. So sweet! My friend Megan was so sweet about her announcement. Some of them told me after that they were nervous to tell me, which made me sort of sad. Don't ever apologize for this blessing! Just know that I appreciate the gesture of sensitivity and thoughtfulness of telling me differently than the others. :) You guys girls rock!

Do I expect or even think ANYONE else would do this for me? Never in a million years. It's not something I expect others to even think about, and that's fine. They've never been in my shoes and I genuinely do not expect them to understand what it's like. There are plenty of situations other people experience that I do not understand and can't relate to. Only those who have been "blessed" with hardship can actually empathize with others in a simliar situation.

I would, however, hope that I could put others and their needs before myself. Going through something like this really opens your eyes to how real pain can be. It makes you more sensitive to the needs of others. It makes you want to do everything in your power to help others who are struggling, and at the very least, to not add to their pain.

So, would I judge someone for installing unbaby.me if and when I got pregnant? No. Just the same way that others might want to install undemocrat.me, unduckface.me, or unwhatiatefordinner.me. Stuff like that could come in handy! And it is obviously a joke.

Unfortunately, though, there is no app for insensitivity.


  1. True and well said. It all comes down to deference...putting the needs of others before yourself. Or as you said, sensitivity.

    Sorry you are having to go through this struggle, but I also see it refining you as a person, a couple and making you become a woman of great beauty inside and out...one who is very sensitive to what is going around her. ((hugs))

  2. Oh my goodness, you are too to sweet to be saying such wonderful things about me! Thank YOU Stephanie for being so genuine, sweet, honest, and understanding. You're right around the corner, love. I'm praying for you every day, and will follow your blog like a stalker until your time comes. Our Lord does have the best timing, even when it's painful.

  3. A friend of mine also struggled with infertility for 4 years. I can only imagine how difficult that must be :(