Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Round one = Infertility 1, Baby 0

Well friends, we find ourselves in round two of the fight for a baby. Actually it's more like round 22, but who's counting?!?

I will admit, I think I knew in my head that getting pregnant on one try (of seeing the specialist) was probably not going to happen. But there is always that part of me that hopes it will happen. I think the worst part is having to break it to Eric. He is always positive and holds on to hope until I give him the news. It breaks my heart every time, and I go through the whole round of emotions of feeling like I can't give him something he totally deserves. I have to remind myself that this is not anyones fault, and that this is what God has planned for us right now in our lives. But I'm not deying that it's hard. Really hard.

One of these days, I'm going to have to figure out a cute way to give him the best news of his life. I'm still waiting for that day. :-)

While you're in that two-week window after ovulation and before you can take a pregnancy test, as it gets closer to that 28, 29, 30 day mark I feel like I'm almost literally listening to my body to try and decipher what its doing. Do I feel like my period is starting or is that how it feels to be pregnant? Your mind plays tricks on you, and it is the most torturous two weeks of the month.

So, round one = Infertility 1, Baby 0.

I've already been back to the doctor for my two ultrasounds on days 3 and 10, taken the Letrozole, and this Thursday I have to do the Ovidrel shot. And then we wait. Again.

I am a planner by nature, and Eric and I talked about our "plan" of action, and it feels good to sort of know what we want to do in the coming months. In the back of my mind I know I need to give my body a break at some point, especially since I think my body hates me right about now. I was on antibiotics for 20 days of the past 30 days of June for strep throat/sinus infection and my body has felt really run down. But I don't feel ready to take a break quite yet, especially since we just started with the specialist. I also know that the actions we're taking now are not even anywhere near as aggressive as we can go -- with more medications, treatments, etc. So knowing how I feel now is slightly intimidating for what I might be feeling in the future as this continues.

So our "plan" so far is that this month will be the last time we'll continue as we are. Starting  September (may not be able to do it in August because I'll be traveling a bit for work - so I might not be able to make doctor appointments) we will start with the IUIs for probably three months -- Sept/Oct/Nov. IF we are still unsuccessful by the end of this year, I am taking a break. Like, at least a 4 or 5 month break. Of course, I'm going to talk to the doctor and see what he thinks, but that is my plan for now. Besides the fact that sometimes the magic happens when couples have tried for years and then stop "trying", which I hate to really believe, but am willing to consider a possibility (anything is a possibility at this point). And by break I mean a COMPLETE break. No medication at all. No timing my periods/ovulation. Just stop, relax, enjoy, and pretend for a few months that we're actually not trying. I'm not sure if that is entirely possible, but I'm gonna give it my best shot.

And yes, in the past month I've gotten two announcements in the mail for family members who've had babies. Let's not even talk about the amount there are on Facebook or my local friends who are both pregnant with girls. I mean, hello, Adele is pregnant too!! I stopped comparing myself to others a while ago, and I'm not about to start now. Our time will come. And I'm so glad I'm not the one deciding when that day will be. I just have to take one step at a time and do what is right in front of me. I can handle that.


  1. I really admire your strength for going through this process, I know a lot of people would not even be strong enough to do that. I'm at the point now where all of this having babies stuff scares me, but I know that not everyone is in that place and I want everyone to get what they want and deserve.

    Its funny to me how girls spend years trying NOT to get pregnant (if you didn't wait till marriage that is lol) and then when you want to get pregnant, you can't. Ain't that the way it goes.....

    Anywho, good luck :)

  2. Your Amazing:) I may not be able to relate exactly but I understand in my own way. God has big plans for you and I:)!!

  3. I am amazed at your ever enduring strength and resilience through all this. You are such an inspiration to me (and I'm not even wanting to be pregnant).

    Stay positive. I can't wait to hear the great news. We serve a Big God!!

  4. I know it is a rough time love (however, I must admit I love the title of this blog... definitely captures how an infertile woman feels!). My least favorite part is telling my husband as well. He is the dreamer and usually more hopeful than I. I have been praying for you to get the baby you're dreaming of, and hoping you don't have to pursue deeper into the depths of infertility treatments. We are getting ready for round two of IVF here and just even trying to prepare is exhausting. Excited/Dreading the beginning og injections again soon. Keep your eyes fixed on the Lord love.

  5. i don't know why i'm putting this on your blog and not having an actual conversation... maybe because i haven't written anything in a while and i just need to write. alas...

    as time goes on and we get older and live life, the sentiment that God has us intentionally go through something intensely awful, stressful, lonely, and effectual seems less and less accurate to me. this statement: "this is what God has planned for us right now in our lives."

    i don't like it. not anymore. i don't believe god has it planned for you to be wondering every single day of the month if today will be the day, and the stress that takes on you mentally and physically. i don't think that he planned for you to break the news to your husband every month that you yet again are not having a baby. i don't think he planned for your muted joy when your friends have babies. i truly don't think a loving God wants that for you or eric.

    we can insert this saying though and other versions of it in basically any difficult situation we've gone through in our lives. it's how we make sense of it. and yes, once we are on the other side of whatever "it" is, we feel wiser, better, stronger, etc. but is God intentionally "holding out" on you? is he preventing your baby from finding you in the heavenly sea of babies? i don't think he is anymore. it's like we believe that god is trying to make a point. as if that's what god's agenda is. what if he's just trying to talk to us.. to SAY something. anything! but we have our own plan and time frame and are just too narrow minded and human to listen and have dialogue with him.

    you want a baby and absolutely deserve one. i want a husband. or rather more accurately, a partner. is god preventing this man from finding me in the heavenly sea of husbands? i don't think he is anymore. where was i a year ago? two? three? dying for a partner. you know that. think of how i was actually behaving and what my mindset was even just one year ago. hell, 6 months ago. what i thought about what i wanted and who i was pursuing that with. think of how in REALITY, how un-ready i was for a REAL man, marriage, and partnership. i have learned only very recently, i am ashamed to admit, how if feels to have a man really think you're beautiful.. that you're more than just a thing expected to keep it up in order to stand next to someone to appease their own ego. those were the men i was dating. now think of what kind of wife that woman makes.

    maybe god is just asking us to LIVE. to grow and come into the space and time and soul season where we are ABLE to reap those blessings which we desire when we can EXPERIENCE THEM FULLY. i honestly feel like you could be in that place. but i don't know, i'm not god. i honestly feel like I'M in that place too. but i don't know, i'm not god. and clearly he is trying to say something to us right now, and extending his hand while doing it. not "holding out" or having us go through a hard season so we can somehow magically see the light and peer behind his magician's curtain one day.

    but perhaps all this is rather an invitation to really go down a different path. the path of true fulfillment designed specifically for us, albeit delayed.

    love you always.