Monday, June 27, 2011


What a freaking crazy time the past two weeks have been. I have almost completely lost track of time, because I cannot believe it's already almost July. Seriously, where has the time gone?!?

Last week was a final class for me, and I finished up a 10-page research paper successfully. I'm so thankful for the ability to be able to work full time and attend school... and maintain a 4.0. I never thought I'd be doing it, and at times it's really hard and I want to quit, but I'm keeping the end goal in mind! I can't wait to be a psychologist some day.

Stuff at the office has been sucking the life out of me. I normally say how much I love my job, but recently things have been just... sucky. Several people were laid off, but they aren't leaving until June 30th, so it's been all awkward with them. Then, shit hit the fan with our CFO and he just resigned last week. Let's just say I have never looked forward to vacation this much in a while!

Speaking of vacation, we leave Friday for Indiana to see my fam! I can't wait! Just getting AWAY is what I need right now. I'll still have to deal with school, but I hope to crank out a lot this week in order to not worry about it this weekend. We're taking my nephew JJ with us for the week (should be an interesting 4-hour plane ride) and we're gonna have lotsa fun.

I was out shopping on Saturday afternoon (spendin' money we don't have! lol) and I stopped by the Running Zone to buy a muscle roller-stick thing, and just thought I'd try some shoes. I was in desperate need of new ones, that's for sure. I have probably 300 or 400 miles on my old ones, and the soles were starting to wear out. I was supposed to wait till my birthday, but I found a pair I loved (and were SO comfortable/supportive) and Eric said "go ahead"! :) My only condition was that they were pink, so she found a Saucony pair with a little pink on them!

I love them! Just in time for my long 6-7 mile run this weekend. Yay!

Still nothing. Had a doctors appointment today which was good. I needed some reassurance. She put me on two new medications to see what happens. One is to regulate my insulin levels, which should regulate ovulation. Having insulin/metabolism levels out of whack can also affect weight loss, so this medication should help in that department. The other medication she said increases the possiblity of "multiples"... (but not like quadruplets or anything crazy, more like twins) which was kinda cool! I think it would be so cool to have twins! :)

Fingers crossed!

Friday, June 17, 2011

What if...

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm healthy and can run for miles without stopping.
I have a loving husband who truly meets my every need and fills every gap in my soul.
I have a functional, loving, successful, supportive family (and in-law family).
I have two puppies who fill my life with unconditional love, laughter, wet kisses and dirty paw prints.
I have a big house with lots of nice things, pretty decorations, and a big yard.
We have nice cars that are reliable and clean.
I have a steady job that I really enjoy, and that provides me professional growth opportunities every day.
I'm going to school to do what I really, really love and hope practice some day. My future is bright.
I have friends who know me and love me anyway. I'm blessed to meet new friends all the time.

There is really nothing I should be complaining about. But there is still that one thing heavy on my heart.

We don't have any kids yet, and we are still struggling to get pregnant.

I'm just obsessing about the issue again. It must be because I took a pregnancy test today (on schedule with doctors orders), which was negative, which means today I have to start the second round of medication to "start my period" again. Yesterday I talked to the 4th or 5th person I'm friends with who has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and none of them have ever been able to conceive. None of them have kids. It's sort of starting to freak me out.

I was talking to Eric about it this morning, and for reasons beyond me, he seemed more confident about it than I am. It used to be the other way around, but apparently the tables have turned. He simply stated that we've left it in God's hands and whenever it happens, it will happen. I don't know how he can be so confident, because my mind is already picturing me laying in the doctors office getting IVF. I just go there. I can't help it.

What if this doesn't work? What if the tests show everything is normal and the doctors label me as "infertile" but can't explain why (even if they could explain it, would it make a difference?)? What if we go into massive debt doing IVF and it doesn't work? Or what if it works and we have quadruplets? What if I turn 30 and we're still not pregnant? What if we end up adopting? What if, what if, what if...

It hurts so much already when people are just joking about why we haven't had kids yet. Most of the jabs/jokes/poking/prodding comes from Erics' friends, which makes me feel even more guilty. The other day one of his friends (who just became a father) joked on Facebook, "Now it's time to pop out some babies before you're the 40 yr old Dad picking up your 4 year old from pre-school."

I just want to scream '"IT'S MY FAULT!!" I'm the reason we haven't had kids yet!! It's me, blame me. I'm defective and broken. Somehow that makes me feel better, or takes the pressure off and stops the questions.

I know, I know. Believe me, I knowwwwww. Don't lecture me.

So tonight, I'm going to pick up my damn prescription, grill some turkey burgers, lock up my laptop so I can't do school, and get my drink on with the hubs. While I still can.

That is another thing I'm thankful for. Alcohol.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Secret blog reveal #2: doctors, herpes and fat

Posted March 4th, 2011

I had a doctors appointment today to ask about my burnt lips. I haven't had a PCP since we switched insurance and Eric got out of the Air Force, so this was sort of "meet your new doctor" day. I wanted to get Dr. Stephanie Haridopolos because her husband is a state Senator and is all famous. And she's pretty, young and has super blonde hair. And her name is Stephanie. Hello.

But instead I get Dr. Ogata, an older Asian lady with black hair. And her first name is Sandra. But, whatevs. All doctors are the same right? Secretly I was going to talk about getting pregnant and all of my fears/worries, but I didn't want to start with that. So basically I ask her about my lips, she says I have herpes, (for you geniuses out there, herpes is also known as a cold sore...) and is going to give me a pill. Nice. Great news so far.

Then I slip in, "Hey, I have an unrelated question..." and start asking Dr. Sandra about a referral to a gynecologist. She keeps asking questions, and we go down the pregno road. She says that sometimes it can take up to a year to get preg after getting off BC. Somehow I knew that in my head, but hearing it come from the doctor was sort of depressing. I don't want to wait that long! She said she can run tests, but she's not concerned yet, so I could wait a few months.

I tell her to run the tests.

Besides that, I've gained weight. Oh please, don't roll your eyes and pretend I haven't. When I stepped onto the scale at the doctors office this morning, it was the first time in months, and there's a reason for that. I all but covered my eyes pretending not to see, but then she says the three-digit number out loud. AHHHH! My tender virgin ears!

I've been in denial, and have been telling myself that "it's for the baby", but, hello, there's no baby yet. All this fat is just for me. I must've gained about 15 pouunds in the past few months. That is awful. I want to do something drastic, to at LEAST get back to where I was before I ACTUALLY start packing on the pounds with a REAL baby inside me. But then, I'm torn to do anything that could get in the way of me getting preg. Like I have this friend on Facebook who's doing this "Body by Vi" thing with like healthy smoothies or something, and she's lost like 15 pounds and tons of inches and I want to do that. But I think Eric won't let me because we're trying to get preg.

So I don't know what to do. But I've seriously got to do something. Because every month, I'm like, "Ok, not preg yet, time to lose weight", and then I don't do anything, and then I'm not prego again, and it keeps going and going and going. Fat, fat, fat.

Besides all that, once Dr. Sandra found out that we're trying to get preg, she wouldn't give me the herpes pill because it could cause fetal damage or something like that. So I have herpes on my lips, 15 more pounds on my hips, and no baby. FML.

I don't know what to do. For starters though, I consoled myself with a #10 at McDonalds on the way back from Dr. Sandra's office. We're off to a good start.

P.S. But hey, I feel like shit today, which is good news in my world. It could mean I'm FINALLY going to ovulate soon. This weekend would be nice. Eric is off so we could have lots and lots of sex.



Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Secret blog reveal #1: It's hard work getting pregnant

Lucky for you I've decided to post the entries on my "secret baby blog" on this blog!

Remember, I'll start posting from the beginning, so a lot has changed since then. But here is the first post, on March 3rd:


Truth: I should've started this blog five months ago. That is when we decided to stop using the glorious invention called birth control and give unprotected sex a try. I knew it would happen eventually... sometime around two years of marriage is what we decided. By November of 2010 it was more like two and a half years, so I knew it was time. I just was.

It took me months to "be ok" with it, and to come to the point of no return birth control. I had always been terrified of getting pregnant, like ever since I started having sex. Every month I would take that ring out and anxiously await my period, nearly jumping for joy when it finally arrived. It's such a mental switch when you go from trying so hard for something not to happen, to trying so hard to make it happen.

Let's go back and review the past few months ...

November: Stopped using BC, thought I would get pregnant immediately... but also knew I should give my body a month or two to get back into the swing of things without the BC. I forumulated an entire plan that was based around my time off at work. I planned to get prego in like January, have the kid in September, take three months off work (October, November and December) and then go back to work in January of 2012. It was the perfect plan, and fell in line with my paid time off I would have accumulated at work, the rollover of the new year, etc.

I must say, I'm good at making plans.

I distinctly remember having lunch with Jen and telling her this plan. What she should have done is laugh in my face, but instead she said something along the lines of, "Steph, things don't always happen the way we plan..." and as I nodded and said, "Oh, I know!" I was in total denial inside. Why the hell wouldn't my plan work? It's always worked in the past, so why not now? How am I not in control of this too?

December: Really wanted to get prego this month so we could surprise our families at Christmas. But we also bought a house this month so needless to say, it's probably a good thing that I didn't get knocked up.

January: Ok, time is running out for my plan. Time to get serious. Downloaded the "Magic Day" app on my phone so I could track my period, every time we have sex, and when I'm supposed to ovulate. Still nothing. So far I've told four people that we're actually trying: Nik, Jen, Sarah and Callie. They are sworn to secrecy.

Truth: sometimes I was secretly happy I wasn't prego so I could still drink on the weekends. Sinner.

February: No more messing around, time to buy the ovulation sticks. I don't trust the Magic Day app too much, it's not scientific enough. These pee sticks better work... afterall, it costs $50 for 20 of them! That means every morning I'm peeing on something that costs $2.50! Highway robbery. Besides, out of 30 days, I only get two that are worthwhile! Those are really sucky odds, so this shit better work.

March: I still don't know about Feb/March because my cycle is going for so long. It's different every month. The first month it was exactly 28 days (which has NEVER happened, in all my nearly 26 years of life... ok only about 11 or 12 that count), which I was really excited about. Then, it went to 30, then 35.. and now who knows. That's part of what prompted me to buy the pee sticks, because I am worried I'm not ovulating at all. I still have yet to see a smiley face. According to the Magic Day my period is supposed to start next Wednesday, but it also said I was ovulating last week. I'm so confused.

I realize that through all of this I seem like a control freak. But really I'm not .......ok so I am a little bit. But somehow I just thought my life would be like Katherine Heigel on "Knocked Up" and it would just happen in the blink of an eye, without trying, on a drunken night of wild, unprotected sex.

Not so much. It's hard work getting pregnant.

I'm sure eventually I'll be ok with it and just let it be. But for now I really, really want to make sure everything is working down there and that nothing is wrong. Because by then we'll have wasted like a year, and I'd rather find out now if I need to be doing something special than when it's too late.

Hi, my name is Stephanie and I'm a control freak.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Life has taken over

Our life has been non-stop for the past several weeks! Of course I should say, what else is new right? I was just wondering when we have a free weekend to "do nothing" like we used to enjoy ... and it's gonna be a while. To give you a little glimpse...

Last weekend we celebrated Eric's 25th birthday - I got him a brand new shiny grill! It was also our official 3rd wedding anniversary, which is exciting. ;-)

This weekend I have a work event on Saturday morning, then we're headed over to Lakeland because my parents flew into town and we're celebrating a combination of birthdays/anniversaries with them! Should be fun, can't wait to see everyone!

Next weekend Eric's cousin Jason is having a birthday party Saturday night...

The weekend after that I don't have anything planned (yet)... Eric works so maybe I'll get some stuff done.

The next weekend is right before July 4th and we're flying up to Indiana to spend a week with my parents and see my cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents! While we're there we will probably celebrate my birthday and see some fireworks for the 4th. Looking forward to a little vacation time!

The week/weekend after that is my real birthday, but my sister is planning a beach birthday party for my nephews 4th birthday, so we'll be headed back over to Tampa!

.... and so on and so forth.

Can't say I'm complaining, because we're truly very blessed to have friends and family to celebrate life with. I just have to work a little harder to fit school in there in between work and life, but I'm getting along just fine.

I just love my little family. Even though we haven't been successful yet in getting pregnant, every day my two four-legged girls make me laugh and give just as much love as I could ask for.

I'll leave you with this cuteness I captured earlier this week.

It should win a cute award, right?!? Layla always makes me laugh.

Have a great weekend everyone. Don't sweat the small stuff, and don't forget to celebrate life every single day!