I feel like it's raining babies. The other week I went through my facebook and counted everyone that was either pregnant or had a baby within the past month. Twenty-five friends are either parents already or are going to become parents, and I'm so sad I'm not one of them.
I'm not looking for a pity party... not at all. I'm just admitting how much of a struggle this is for me sometimes. SOME days, I'm totally cool with it, happy with my dogs as my "girls" and enjoying the freedom to drink, travel, and sleep all night long. Trust me, I know what I've got and I'm grateful. My heart just wants that other thing that is missing, and sometimes it hurts.
My good friend Tiffani just had her baby girl on Saturday night. I am so happy for her and her hubby! Look at this adorable little thing!
(sooo jealous ;-)
I haven't been able to meet Ms. Liliana yet, but I think we're going to bring them dinner tomorrow night and hang out a little bit. I'm so excited! I can't imagine how Tiff must be feeling, and I'm beyond happy for her.
But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I want that. I want exactly what she has - a perfect little girl. After she texted me this weekend with the announcement, I've really been having a hard time. I've been testing and I'm pretty sure I'm NOT going to ovulate this month, so that's another let down. So much of me is just plain tired of trying. It's been almost a year, and it's truly wearing on me. Also this weekend we cleaned out our third, "extra" room that we've been calling the dogs room, but is really being saved for a nursery. It looks so good all cleaned out (in preperation for Thanksgiving guests) but I was sitting there imagining it painted pink and all decorated. It's all sad and plain white and boring... it wants to be painted pink, I just know! ;-)
I had a doctors appointment last week, and she said that in two months she will send us to an infertility specialist if we're still not pregnant (IF I ovulate every month, which doesn't look like it's happening either.... &*^@#$&ck). I know there are couples who try for years but I just can't imagine that. It's only been one year and I'm so over the pill-taking, pee-stick testing, doctor-appointment making madness.
This morning on the way to work I had a little talk with God and just really asked him to get me to the place where I can accept whatever the future holds. I'm ready to throw in the towel and start taking classes and go through the process to adopt a baby. But then I see Tiffani with her little girl and my heart aches for that feeling. I just don't know if I'd feel the same way about an adopted baby. But what if that becomes our reality? What if that is God's plan? Can I accept it?
I know, this is crazy talk. But it's in my head, and I just want to get to the place that I can accept whatever God's plan is. I also need Eric to get there, but that is going to be on his own time. I am a believer in everything happening for a reason. I know God's timing is perfect. I know all thing will work out for the best in the end.
But knowing and believing are two, completely seperate paths.