Friday, June 17, 2011

What if...

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm healthy and can run for miles without stopping.
I have a loving husband who truly meets my every need and fills every gap in my soul.
I have a functional, loving, successful, supportive family (and in-law family).
I have two puppies who fill my life with unconditional love, laughter, wet kisses and dirty paw prints.
I have a big house with lots of nice things, pretty decorations, and a big yard.
We have nice cars that are reliable and clean.
I have a steady job that I really enjoy, and that provides me professional growth opportunities every day.
I'm going to school to do what I really, really love and hope practice some day. My future is bright.
I have friends who know me and love me anyway. I'm blessed to meet new friends all the time.

There is really nothing I should be complaining about. But there is still that one thing heavy on my heart.

We don't have any kids yet, and we are still struggling to get pregnant.

I'm just obsessing about the issue again. It must be because I took a pregnancy test today (on schedule with doctors orders), which was negative, which means today I have to start the second round of medication to "start my period" again. Yesterday I talked to the 4th or 5th person I'm friends with who has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and none of them have ever been able to conceive. None of them have kids. It's sort of starting to freak me out.

I was talking to Eric about it this morning, and for reasons beyond me, he seemed more confident about it than I am. It used to be the other way around, but apparently the tables have turned. He simply stated that we've left it in God's hands and whenever it happens, it will happen. I don't know how he can be so confident, because my mind is already picturing me laying in the doctors office getting IVF. I just go there. I can't help it.

What if this doesn't work? What if the tests show everything is normal and the doctors label me as "infertile" but can't explain why (even if they could explain it, would it make a difference?)? What if we go into massive debt doing IVF and it doesn't work? Or what if it works and we have quadruplets? What if I turn 30 and we're still not pregnant? What if we end up adopting? What if, what if, what if...

It hurts so much already when people are just joking about why we haven't had kids yet. Most of the jabs/jokes/poking/prodding comes from Erics' friends, which makes me feel even more guilty. The other day one of his friends (who just became a father) joked on Facebook, "Now it's time to pop out some babies before you're the 40 yr old Dad picking up your 4 year old from pre-school."

I just want to scream '"IT'S MY FAULT!!" I'm the reason we haven't had kids yet!! It's me, blame me. I'm defective and broken. Somehow that makes me feel better, or takes the pressure off and stops the questions.

I know, I know. Believe me, I knowwwwww. Don't lecture me.

So tonight, I'm going to pick up my damn prescription, grill some turkey burgers, lock up my laptop so I can't do school, and get my drink on with the hubs. While I still can.

That is another thing I'm thankful for. Alcohol.


  1. Poor thing...I am praying for twins atleast! :) In due time. I think having kids in your 30's is a good age no hurries.
    Love you, and can't wait to see you all again soon!

  2. I didn't know you had PCOS! We are in the exact same boat. I am the 'problem', and my husband is in perfect health. I also have PCOS, and it is heartbreaking, trying, scary, overwhelming, maddening and spirit-crushing. We have been medicating and trying as well with nothing yet. The hardest part is seeing {what seems like} EVERYONE on fb, blogs, etc. announcing that they're pregnant, and I'm still not. I want to be happy for them, but it's just so hard. Please know that you're not alone...e-mail me any time.