Friday, May 13, 2011

I have a confession

I am not the type of person to put out the details of my life out there for the world to see. Heck, my husband is lucky to pry me open enough so that I'll tell him. I'm very private, consertative, and quiet. Something I'm learning about myself is that I like keeping things inside because it's safer that way. The secrets are safe with me. I'm still in control. I can choose to tell you or choose not to.

Apparently, in real life this makes me come across as sort of a snob and someone who has a perfect life. Because when I pick and choose what I want to share, I rarely share my struggles, but only the "fun" and "happy" things in my life. No one can critcize those things, and neither are they very controversial.

However, I am also not being honest.

For those who know me, they know I am far from having the perfect life, and that I do struggle with a lot of things. I think if most people knew the inner workings of my mind they would run in the opposite direction as quickly as possible.

But maybe, just maybe, there are people out there who would appreciate the honesty, the struggle, the sometimes frightening/depressing/confusing inner workings of my brain. Maybe if I start sharing the "whole Stephanie" I would find some friends who share the same struggles, and who are genuine, honest, caring people.

Because to be quite honest, I'm pretty much fet up with most of the people who I have considered to be my friends in recent years. The few individuals I've met since moving over here three years ago are good to party with, good to have lunch with on occasion, and are in general good people. But they are not meeting that soul need  I have... that I'm basically dying on the inside for... the people who know  you, who can tell you the truth, who you can

3 comments:

  1. First... I dont know how long you have had the blog change but Im just now noticing it! Looks awsome!
    Second...I kinda understand how you feel! This last year my world has kinda crashed in around me, and people who were friends since childhood I have no clue if I can every talk to the same way again. I feel ya
    Third.. Its kinda interesting, I knew you at the Ranch and all...but since ive been reading your blog, Ive gotten to know more of you then what I even did at the ranch! Thats a good thing..lol..not bad!
    I enjoy reading your blog posts!

    XOXO

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  2. this is a great step. a GIANT leap of faith. Im glad we had our talk, and im glad i know that we are the kind of friends that you refer to here- ones of truth, honesty, & loyalty.

    don't force the openness, it will come. if it makes you feel any better, there are a LOT of things i have kept hidden and barely alluded to on my blog or even disclosed to people who i consider "close" in my life. Satan does this to keep us in fear, and locked away under our veil of "control". Learning to be free and open with your deepest hurts and struggles takes time, and a great amount of courage.

    the good news?

    you have it.

    xo

    j

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  3. awesome post. just be yourself!!
    "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."
    -kurt cobain
    one of my favorite quotes.

    ReplyDelete