So in a recent post I said I was going to start being more honest and vulnerable. While it may be a stretch to say that typing something into a blog is "vulnerable", to me it's a step in the right direction.
I've decided to tell you guys something that I've kept hidden pretty well for about six months, and only a few people know. I didn't tell many people because I don't like being asked alllllllllll the time about it, or being the center of attention, or having people worry about me or feel sorry for me. Those things I hate.
So please, don't do any of those things! :)
Bascially, we've been trying to get pregnant since November. Bam. There, I said it.
I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to talk about (other than the reasons stated above), except that I thought we would get preg right away and I could then start talking about it. Except, pretty much the opposite has happened. It's taking forever, we're having problems, and now I'm struggling and can't talk about it. Or, didn't think I could, but now I'm choosing to.
Yesterday, my period started for the first time in three months. And NOT because I'm preg. It's because I have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which I discovered about three weeks ago by my doctor. I've had irregular periods for, like, ever. The only time they were regular is when I was on birth control for about three years right up until I got off it in November of last year. Then they slowly started going back to the typical "crazy", and then it started becoming months - two and three months - apart. NOT normal.
So my doctor told me I have POS (yeah, it feels like a piece of shit!), gave me a prescription for some medication (progesterone) that I take for 10 days, and then should have my period. Apparently it works, but let me tell you, the first period you have after not having one for three months is a bitch. Just trust me on that.
I don't write this for sympathy or pity or whatEVER. I write it for me, to start sharing what is really going on with me and what I'm actually struggling with. My life is far from perfect. I struggle with feeling like something is wrong with me because of not being able to get pregnant. And the longer it goes, the more I want to have a baby and the more I feel like a failure.
At first when we started trying, I was like "Eh, I could take it or leave it" and if it happened, it happened. But now... I'm like so ready. Sure there are things I'll have to sacrifice and work harder at, but I'm totally there. Plus, it's like my OB said - once you start trying, you'll see babies on every corner and suddenly all of your friends, cousins and sisters are pregnant. True story.
Also, I started a "secret" blog about trying to get preg just so I could write and no one would know. The blog only has like six or seven posts, and I'm debating posting them so you can see the background. Part of what prompted me to talk about this whole thing, is because I see how differently I write when I know no one is going to read it. It's funnier, way more honest, and more interesting. I've gotta start getting over myself and start writing like a real person, regardless of who reads this.
Thanks for listening... you guys are the best! Now I feel so much better and will start talking about it for real! Haha.