Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Truth and Jealousy

I went to bed about 30 minutes ago. I'm laying here and get a brainstorm for a blog, so I text Eric to bring me his laptop. (yes he's in the living room a few steps away... so? ha!) Here goes nothing.

I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the people holed in up north and their "snow days" who are getting paid not to work.

I'm jealous of my dogs sleeping at my feet without a care in the world.

I'm jealous of my friends going on "fab" girls trips.

I'm jealous of those who have enough money to spend on said fab trips.

Earlier tonight I was struggling with being content. Hence, the word "jealous" you see so many times here. I tried to shove it down, and tell myself that I am perfectly happy being a "homebody" who likes hanging out with her husband and dogs, watching Tosh.0 and Modern Family on a Wednesday night. I'm ok with cooking dinner, doing some schoolwork, and watching tv. I have a happy life and a great job.

I'm content with that.

Right??

As I crawled into bed and pulled out my phone to peruse Facebook one last time, there it was again. The reminder that I'm not the popular girl planning trips all over the country at a moments notice. The reminder that most of my friends and family live far away. The reminder that even if I had been invited on a "fab" girls trip, I would probably feel left out because I'm not like them. I love them - they're my friends - but I feel like I don't fit in with them anymore sometimes. I can't explain it.

Eric brought me roses at work today, and then he took me out to lunch.

We just bought our first house on McClain Drive.

Eric just started a new job, which he loves, but doesn't leave him much room to take any time off in the next several months.

I couldn't go on a fab girls trip anyway, because I'll be managing a national conference with over 250 people attending... all counting on me. I can't wait. I've been planning this thing for months, and it will be the experience of a lifetime... a totally incredible opportunity. I seriously can't wait. February 16-18, 2011.

But see, it took me all evening to remember... those are the things that make me lucky. As I was telling Eric how jealous I am of these other people as he kissed me goodnight, he said, "Babe, I don't know what to say to make you feel not jealous of them."

"The only way I wouldn't feel jealous anymore is if I was going on a "fab" trip with MY girls."

"Well... you can take a fab trip to McClain Drive."

Somtimes, the truth hits you like a ton of bricks. Eric was joking, of course, but I don't think he realized the truth he was telling.

See, here is where I'm happy. It's home. It has everything I love.

Right now I can't afford to go anywhere, much less pay my hairdresser for some highlights. I have a crazy, full-time job that I love, I go to school full-time, and I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything else. Sure a trip would be nice, and I am hoping to plan one sometime this year, but it may just be something small.

But for now, I'm ok with that...with our life. It's ours. We've made it ours, and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives.

We'll  just pop open a bottle of wine and have a date in the hot tub... on our back porch.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

8 comments:

  1. I've been feeling the same way....I feel like I'm 5 years behind everyone I know and I'm jealous of them. I'm not married, don't have any kids, my house isn't beautiful and brand new. But I have a man who has supported me so much in the last year, I finally got my bachelors degree and I will be starting a new job soon!

    I can't afford to do a whole lot right now, but someday I will and that's something to look forward to.

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  2. It helps to have a husband that lets you know how it is. I feel that way sometimes, too..I just wanna go hang out with the girls..But then I question, would the girls even know me? I think I would feel more uncomfortable there than I would at home with my family.

    Thinking of you.
    and PS, my husband and I were watching Tosh.O last night as well...lol

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  3. I am tearing up.. this is the best blog you have ever written; So honest and heartfelt. i love you and you know what??? this saturday we will have a FAB day at ikea. and BE fab. hello.

    It's also worth noting that parading around your things and "fabulosity" doesn't make you fabulous btw, it makes you insecure. Remember than next time you see those pics/posts.

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  4. thanks so much for your honesty. i've been with my boyfriend for a month and am really starting to love it, it's breaking my heart thinking that i have to go back to Utah to be with my family for a while. he has become my family, and i haven't been as social as i used to be lately, and it's hard to get used to. i used to be that girl who took trips with the girls, but then i no longer fit in either. but i'm learning to be okay with that, because why waste your time to hang out with people who don't love you for you? change is hard and we just have to roll with it and i too struggle with being content. so i know how you feel. thanks for your honesty - it allowed me to open up as well!!

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  5. Welcome to life! You have more than most people out there and they would KILL for your life. wow. You do need to be content with what you have, and I truly believe you are deep inside...you just let those frilly girls bother you when they boast about what they are doing...whatever that is. I love being home with "my man"...just hanging out together. I miss that so much now. I hate being alone. But our time will come again.

    I too love it when you are open and honest. It's okay not to fit in with the crowd...just be you, and be happy about what God has blessed you with. Money isn't everything. Trust me--we've been through it all, and know all about being in want, and being prosperous. It's more than money. It's an inner joy that no one can steal from you!

    Love you! Can't wait to see you this weekend. May be the last for a long time.

    xoxo

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  6. As one of the girls mentioned in this blog it makes me kind of mad that you're making us out to be villains. I've never done anything mean to you. And as for the fb status' you read, you also post about the activites in your life so why is it wrong that they they posted about something they're excited about. I'm sorry it makes you jealous, but none of us have done anything wrong. Example, yesterday I read your post about Eric bringing you flowers and lunch, my husband didn't bring me flowers and lunch yesterday, yet I didn't feel entitled to blast you and the good things happening in your life. Friends are happy when something nice happens for one of their friends. Enjoy your new house, lunch date with Eric and work conference and I will enjoy my "fab" girls trip.

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  7. Meg - I'm sorry that you're taking it that way, but that's not what I meant. I can't even be defensive about your comment because all day I have been dwelling on this and hoping I didn't offend any of you (I even texted Sarah because I knew she'd know what I was inferring and hoped she wouldn't be upset).

    All I meant to do was sort of express how I was feeling, and yes it had to do with your trip. I am jealous that you guys get to go, and I am dealing with it. I miss Sarah and I'm jealous you guys hang out more than we do. I've always wanted to go to Vegas so that made it even harder. And you live there.

    I was simply stating how I was working through my issue of being content with what I have, not wanting what others have. That's all.

    I realize being jealous makes it sound like I'm not happy for you guys, but I am. Maybe I didn't phrase it the right way, and I almost didn't post it, but I had to. It's how I was feeling and I learned something through it. I learned that I have everything that I need and more, and I can be happy staying at home and doing my thing and not going on a fab girls trip.

    Sorry you took it the wrong way.

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  8. well said my friend. Honest, valid.

    you are in danger of becoming one SERIOUSLY amazing woman ;) keep it up..

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