The day I found out

Friday, May 10, 2013.

I will never forget that day. The day our lives were destined to change forever.

The day I found out I was pregnant.

After three years of heartache and struggling with infertility -- well-documented here in this blog -- I truly couldn't believe my eyes. That faint, second line. My eyes must be playing tricks on me!

I did what you're probably not "supposed" to do when you take a pregnancy test -- I watched the fluid creep up the little window until it was all the way, and strained to see the results. It only took about 30 seconds until that second line started to show. And about 5 seconds after that for my heart to start racing.

I jumped up, didn't bother to pull my underwear back up, and ran to show Eric. This was about 9AM, and he had just gotten home at 7AM after working a 12-hour shift. I just kept saying "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." He was half asleep as I shoved the test in his face and said, "Babe! Look at this! Oh my god!"

Definitely not the way I had all planned out in my head to tell my husband I'm pregnant. But don't we know by now how well planning works out for me? Yes. See exhibit Z on how well planning has worked for Stephanie in the past. I mean let's be real.

At first, Eric only saw one line. I grabbed his glasses and told him to look closer. When he saw the faint second line, he said just that. "But it's so faint." But OHHHH NO. I proceeded to tell him how many tests I've examined over the years, and how much I KNOW THAT IS A REAL LINE. There is no question. The only question was if the test was flawed. But I didn't have anymore tests to try!

So, Eric apparently GOES BACK TO BED because he was just not convinced it was real. I mean, this is really how I felt too, if I'm honest. Disbelief. Shock. I texted the picture to a few girlfriends, a couple who had been pregnant, just to be sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. They all freaked out.

I just knew.

After a few minutes, I jumped in the shower so I could get ready and head out to buy more tests. Eric walks in and just starts talking -- stuff we both we're thinking -- "Is this for real?" "Are you sure?" "Oh my god, I can't believe it." "I'm googling it." "Babe, you're pregnant!"

Then, he couldn't go back to sleep. For the next hour or so we just laid in bed and talked about it. I can't even explain that time. He would tear up. I would stare at him and say "Eek!" He was silently praying to God, begging for this to be the real thing.

Once again, this is not really how I imagined my reaction to be if I ever found out I was pregnant. I imagined myself bawling, falling to my knees, thanking God. That's not what I did. I honestly was in shock. It was truly an out-of-body experience. I kept thinking, there is no way this journey is over. That this is it. This is how it ends? No IVF? No shots? No more waiting? IS THIS REALLY IT?!?!?

I honestly hadn't cried yet. It was still sinking in. I'd also hardly had a moment to myself from that test on Friday morning until late Sunday afternoon. I rushed off to the doctor in Orlando that day to get blood work done, which we repeated again on Sunday. Mother's Day. We told Eric's mom that day. We had face-timed with my parents the day before and told them.

The first blood test from Friday came back definitely positive. Anything above a 5 is positive for pregnancy, and mine was at 58. Then, the test from Sunday showed the level had risen to 142. This was real. The nurse said "congratulations" and scheduled me for a 7-week ultrasound with my doctor. What do you know, but that 7-week mark would be the date of our 5th wedding anniversary.

I mean really.

Could God have planned this any better? I get a positive test literally just days before we were supposed to start IVF, two days before Mother's Day, and our first ultrasound is on our anniversary. This isn't an accident.

This is a miracle.

So Sunday afternoon, driving home by myself after telling Eric's family and getting the call from the nurse, I think it sank in. I was listening to "Even If" by Kutless and "I Need a Miracle" by Third Day. Two songs I'd listened to repeatedly during hard times.  I remembered all of those feelings I had, sometimes after driving back from a doctors appointment, like I was then. But this time, I had a different feeling. A feeling that is unexplainable. Complete humility. Gratefulness. Unworthiness.

Finally, the tears came. In a wave, rushing through me, my heart nearly bursting.

The only thing I could manage to say in prayer was thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, God, for this gift. Thank you for your timing. Thank you for this journey. Thank you for always being with me, even when I was angry. Thank you for renewing my faith in miracles.

Thank you.

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come 

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

Welcome, tiny miracle.

After years of waiting, God has surprised and blessed us with a perfect, tiny baby!

Baby Strodtman will be arriving in January 2014! ❤

 

 

More details coming soon, including "the day I found out" story!

 

P.S. We never did IVF! This miracle happened on it's own.

The present.

It was time to sip some wine and write. I could feel it.

It's been over a month since I've even logged into this blog. Life happens. And time is flying at a rapid pace.

Nothing major has happened, just work, school, a bedroom re-design, and taking the necessary steps to get ready for IVF starting sometime in the next month or so. Oh, and one thing that sticks out in my mind: It's all paid for. We're officially enrolled IVF patients. We're gonna do this thing.

WHAT.

I am still in shock that we are here. That within two months, I could be pregnant. That I just shelled out more money than I ever have in my life, second only to our cars and our house, for this. It is just surreal. And exciting. And terrifying.

When I think back on everything over the past 2 1/2 years that brought us to this point, I stop and pause. It's hard to believe this journey started years ago, when I finally got the courage to get off birth control because I was "finally ready" to get pregnant. I was an idiot.

I distinctly remember sitting with Jen at lunch discussing my plan. I was off birth control in September, we were going to get pregnant before the end of the year. I was going to roll over all of my PTO to the next year so I would have enough time in 9 months to take off 2 months for maternity leave. Man, I had a great plan.

I'm so glad it didn't work out.

Before we got married, we said we would start trying after two years of marriage. This June will be five years. My, how things change. For the better, I might add.

Pain has a way of changing you, refining you... questioning your resolve. Over the past two years I've been angry, afraid, broken, hopeful, depressed, sad, excited, empty, tired, and confused. I wondered how God could let this happen to me. I've felt like a bad wife. I questioned if God even cared. I've begged Him to take this away from me. I've cried. I'm screamed. I've promised to change. I've tried a lot of things, thinking each time this was "it", this is what I needed to do in order to move past this.

Finally, I resigned.

Finally, I found peace. I finally understood that I could still experience all of those emotions and still trust in God's plan for this...for my life. I stopped blaming and looking for answers, and just said, "ok". This is where life has us. This isn't a punishment or even a phase, but it just IS where we are. Tomorrow everything could change.

Be in the present moment. Don't regret yesterday, or be anxious for tomorrow.

Just, be.

So now we enter into a completely new journey, one filled with hope, and at the same time a gigantic risk. I promise to take one day at a time. I am so blessed to even be able to go down this path, as so many are not able to. I sort of feel like this is it, that I haven't even thought past this point (what if this doesn't work). I refuse to. I'm going to remain present, to cross that bridge when we come to it to cross. We're here. We've made it this far, we might as well enjoy it.

I'm gonna make the most of it.

And if you think about it, please pray for us. This is gonna take everything I've got. I'm ready.

BRING IT ON!

The plan.

I'm partially doing this post for my own sanity, so I can just WRITE OUT everything and get it out of my system. Ok who am I kidding, it will never get out of my system -- but I'm so excited to share!

Ever since we decided to jump head first into pursuing IVF, I have been beside myself. I'm terribly excited, nervous, anxious, and mostly, have a MILLION questions. Since I follow so many lovely ladies on Instagram who are involved in IVF or TTC in some way, it seems like everyone has a different story, process, and outcome. From the payment method (some had insurance coverage, some pay out of pocket, like us), the preliminary steps necessary to start, to the medications they take, everyone's experience varied greatly.

Needless to say, I wanted to know what our process would be, specifically. I felt like I had more questions than answers, so I set out to get answers!

I had already done the background work of getting approved for the multi-cycle discount program through Attain, figuring out how we would pay for it (making arrangements to sell Eric's car, opening a new savings account, etc), and getting approved for a partial loan. I felt ready to start tomorrow, but I knew there was a process involved. One piece of advice I've learned is don't rush, and to trust the process. Easier said than done, but good advice nonetheless.

My main questions revolved around the timeline of events, and what I needed to do now to get ready for it. Because of finances needing to be in place first (we have to pay in full for the program before we start), we can't start fully until May. Also in May, we have a 7-day cruise planned, so I wondered if that would get in the way.

I emailed my nurse on Monday, and she responded yesterday. I was so impatient to hear back. Her response email made my whole day! Right after I got it I had a lunch date with Eric so I told him all about it.

So - here we go. THE PLAN.

1) Eric and I must attend the "IVF Seminar" -- scheduled for next Wednesday at 7PM.

2) Eric and I must both have infectious disease labs drawn. -- The nurse emailed me the labs we'll need to get those done, which we'll do next week.

3) On day CD1 in April, I will call the doc to let them know, and get bloodwork done on day 2 or 3 for Estradiol, LH, and FSH (already have the lab paperwork needed for that).

4) In May, I will start birth control on CD 3 (possibly while we're on the cruise, based on my calendar, so I'll fill the prescription before we leave) and call to schedule a hysteroscopy.

5) Once the hysteroscopy is done (sometime during CD5-10), the final IVF consult will be scheduled for a week later. Continue to take BC until the consult.

6) At the final IVF consult (will be first part of June), my doctor will review my protocol, the nurses will go over injection instructions, tell me when to take the last BC pill and when to start IVF meds!!

Even though I don't have exact dates because everything revolves around when my cycle starts in May, I feel so much better knowing what we're doing. It calms my anxious, planner-by-nature heart ever so slightly. :-) When you're in a position like this, any sense of control or any semblance of a plan is truly a lifesaver.

I know IVF is not a guarantee, and that it sometimes fails the first time around. That is why I feel confident with paying for the multi-cycle program, because we'll have some more "tries" if we need them. If we don't, great! But it increases the chance of success to do so, so I'm glad we are going that route.

Even though we still have a couple months to go, I see the "end in sight", so to speak. I'm confident in our clinic, in this process, and in my ability to overcome any obstacles that arise. OH - a little cool side note! The other day Eric responded to a call at an OBGYN office in his area. He and the doctor were talking (about kids, what else!) and Eric told the doc that we were doing IVF. The doctor asked where we were going, so Eric told him the Center for Repoductive Medicine in Orlando. This doctor said that clinic is known as one of the BEST in the NATION. He said their Embryologist is the best there is around. Just more great news (also gave my hubs a boost of confidence in this process!)!!

Thanks for the prayers, positive thoughts, and words of advice! We are not planning to try another cycle if this month is negative, because I want to give my body some time off (also save some money) and eat healthy, work out, and just get ready for THE BIG EVENT! :-)

the three-letter word

Do you ever feel guilty for spending money when you know you have a big expense coming up? Like you should be saving every penny, but you're stressed so you want to go away for the weekend or go shopping?

I'm there. I took today and tomorrow off a while ago when we planned to travel to North Carolina to visit our friends. But then, I had to start my cycle on just the wrong right day, and now I have a doctor appointment Sunday morning that I can't miss. It's my CD12 follicle scan, hopefully with good news and lots of follicles.

Besides the fact that I'm not pregnant and still don't know what we're doing this weekend (I'm still determined to do something, even if we stay at home, and relax for a couple of days with Eric), I have had a great week. I got some really exciting news!

Nowadays, I tell my husband that we're just paying for our kid before they're even conceived... because we're getting ready for... the big three-letter word... IVF!!!

(I know In Vitro Fertilization is more than three letters, but you get the point :)

On Tuesday we were approved for a IVF multi-cycle discount  program through Attain Fertility. What that means is basically, you meet certain medical criteria, and they approve you for one of two discount programs. We chose the multi-cycle program which includes two fresh and two frozen cycles for a set fee, which is about 35% less than if you did them individually. The only thing the program cost doesn't include is medications, which my doctor says will cost about $3,000 more. Statistics show that most women do need more than one IVF cycle to get pregnant, and by planning ahead for two cycles you save yourself the stress of deciding what to do if the first try doesn't work (not to mention much less money).

I'm sooooo so so excited! I feel like this is the light at the end of a (very long) tunnel. It's been a long road. Just last year I was very opposed to IVF and swore I'd never do it. I wasn't opposed to it for any ethical reasons or whatever (I think that is just ridiculous), but rather I didn't want to put my body through the stress and risk spending THOUSANDS with possibly nothing to show for it.

But recently, in the past few months, I've befriended some girls on Instagram and through my blog who are going through IVF and who have either gotten pregnant or are in the midst of treatment right now. I was able to ask them questions, to see the process first-hand, and to really understand what it's all about. I realized that while it is serious and definitely can be difficult, it is also exciting and it almost always works. While I'm still jealous of those who live in the 15 states whose insurance covers IVF treatment (I wish), I am happy to say we have a plan to pay for it and it is FINALLY a REALITY. In addition to that, I've felt like we've just been spinning our wheels and not getting anywhere with our current treatment plan. While it has the potential to work and certainly does for some, it hasn't worked for us in over two years, so I'm moving on. Let's do this!

The plan is to have it paid for (plus arranging financing for a small part of it) in about two months, at which time we have to sign the contract with Attain. We will hopefully start injections in May or June! I'm really hoping the timing works out for us to start at the end of May when we get back from our cruise, and not have to wait until June. But either way, it is just a few short months away, and ... my god... we could be pregnant by my birthday in July! I tell ya what... that would hands-down be the best.birthday.present.ever!!

So right now we're in the middle of another Letrozole/FSH/Dexamethasone/Ovidrel cycle because that was the plan. The doctor increased my FHS from 75mg to 100mg so I'm hoping I get more than one follicle this time. :-) The only thing we haven't decided yet is if we're going to keep doing this for the next month before we get ready for IVF or take a break until then. I think we should take a break before IVF (could save $500) but I think we're going to play it by ear. Wait and see.

I covet prayers and positive thoughts as we prepare for this adventure. I'm really excited, and really nervous. Taking it one day at a time and not getting caugh up in "what if"sceniaros... keeps me sane.

I'm off to lunch with my girlfriend and then yoga class... another sanity saver!

The wait.

I don't normally blog during the "waiting" period, but I felt inspired today. One week down, one to go. I test on Monday the 18th. Lest any of you think this is easy ... IT'S NOT! :-) I've been here many, many times before, but this time is a bit different.

I have to admit, during past 2WW (two-week-wait) times I didn't really do anything different. I'd go running a lot, workout like normal, drink wine, and try not to think about it. About halfway through, I'd start doubting the process and get discouraged. I mean, yes, I never did get a positive test. Reading back over my old blog posts is sort of discouraging, because there have been so many tries and no wins. I wonder every day when it is going to be the "right" time for us. Sometimes, though, that was sort of my fault, because I wasn't mentally in the game. I was more... uh, along for the ride, maybe.

This time, though, things are different. I'm acting like I actually might be pregnant. *gasp* I'm changing up a few things, just in case. I think I've had like 2 glasses of wine total. I'd like to be able to say I had NONE, but a girl has needs. LOL. I'm doing acupuncture, and man, I feel so much more balanced. I am thinking about being pregnant, dreaming about being pregnant (I definitely had a dream last week where I was getting an ultrasound and found out I was pregnant, and started bawling - in my dream ;), eating better, and trying to take it easy in other areas. Mostly of all, I'm striving for emotional balance and mental health - eliminating negative thoughts and inviting positive thoughts. And prayer.

I've said this before, but during the 2WW I start to try and interpret every little feeling, craving, and mood-swing. Does it indicate more towards + or -? And, how should I know because I've never had a +??? I'm craving sweets, so that could mean something... or it could mean the other thing. To me, the symptoms are so similar. So this time, I've tried to NOT do the symptom-analyzing as much, because it's never worked in the past and it just causes stress!

I will say, taking this progesterone supplement turned me into a super b*tch for a few days. I didn't understand where my terrible mood came from, but finally figured it out. I feel like my body is adjusting now, which is a relief!

Either way, whatever the outcome is on Monday, I feel prepared. I am still hopeful. I feel that ever since the husband and I agreed to start IVF in May/June if we are not pregnant by then, I finally have a "wow, this actually will happen eventually" instead of a "this is never going to happen" attitude. Of course, I'm crossing my fingers that we won't have to do IVF (due to the cost and physical toll) BUT it gives me hope to have that option. I am so excited for this year.

I will keep you posted. :)

Thirteen millimeters

We are well underway our first attempt of the year! Things have been quite the roller coaster already, so I'm here to give you a little status report. :)

My husband and I met with our RE on January 18th (my parents were in town so my mom got to sit in and listen too!). It was a good meeting, he ultimately supports whatever we want to do, which I sort of what I figured. We talked about IVF, the mandatory class we have to attend that tells you all the bad things about it, my desire to not do any IUIs, and a flexible time frame on how much longer I'd wait until we start IVF.

We decided to do several months of medication + acupuncture only and see how it goes. My tentative deadline for this approach is the May/June cycle, at which time if we aren't pregnant, we will hopefully begin IVF.

So - for January/February cycle, my medication cocktail entailed:
   - Metformin, 2000 mg daily
   - Dethamexasone, .05 mg every night before bed
   - Letrozole, days 3-7
   - FSH (Gonadotropin) shots, days 6, 8, 10, 12
   - hCG (Ovidrel) trigger shot, TBD (turns out it was day 13)
   - Progesterone, beginning on day 16
   - Acupuncture once a week


In addition to this, I had an ultrasound on days 11 and 13.

I went in for my day-11 scheduled ultrasound on Friday to measure my follicles and do my E2 bloodwork. That was a hard day. After all that work and money, the biggest follicle I had was 11mm.

And there was only one.

Mature follicles are at least 18mm. Most doctors like them bigger than that, up to 24mm. Finally, the nurse called back after the doctor reviewed the scan to confirm I had been taking the right dose of medication - like he was surprised I didn't respond like I should have. I started to have that sinking feeling. She then said that since I wasn't responding well, I needed to do my last FSH shot (day 12) on Saturday night, and come back for another ultrasound Sunday morning. If, at that point, it still wasn't the right size, we would have two options - to purchase another round of FSH (approximately $300) or cancel this cycle and wait for next month. She told me to come in Sunday prepared to give them an answer of what my decision would be.

I was devastated. I didn't want to think about spending even more money this month and creating a hardship on our budget, but also didn't want to "waste" everything we'd already done. Luckily, I was in the car driving home with my husband, so I just started crying. He was so sweet and, after a few minutes, asked what I was thinking.

I managed to stammer out, "I... just... hate... my body."

That described everything I was feeling in that moment. How unfair this is. Why do we have to go through this? Helpless that my body seemingly is working against me. There is nothing I can do. Why, why, WHY?

He lovingly reminded me that this shouldn't be a step backwards for us, for me, in my thinking. I need to just continue on the positive path that we have been and keep making progress. This isn't the end. It is just a (potential) setback. We talked about the options, but I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do. Neither option #1 or #2 were very encouraging.

However, there was also the third option. On Sunday this damn follicle could actually turn out to be the right size, by any miracle. That was my secret hope. I was afraid to even voice it, for fear of setting ourselves up for disappointment.

In an effort to distract myself I started googling "follicle size" on my phone to see what I could expect over the next two days. I found that 18mm is the smallest it could be to be considered "mature", but 20-24mm is even better. I also read that follicles grow only 1 to 2mm per day, and I did the math. If I had an 11mm follicle Friday, when I went back on Sunday the biggest it "should" be is 15mm if it grew at the maximum each day.

I just decided to wait and see. And pray.

Saturday night I started to feel super nauseous. I took some Nexium because I thought it was my stomach, as well as my final FSH shot. I felt a little better during a dinner out with friends, but on the way home I started feeling sick again. I went to bed as soon as we got home. I woke up early Sunday morning to head to the doctor, and still felt sick. I was super worried that something was wrong. With all the talk about the risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome and all these other potential complications, I didn't know what to expect.

I got to the doctor expecting bad news. There was only one nurse doing ultrasounds so I had to wait for a while. That pit in my stomach combined with feeling nauseous was super fun, let me tell you.

Finally, I was on the table during the ultrasound. The poor nurse said to me that everything had been going wrong that morning, so she really hoped I would be her first "normal" patient.

..."I hope so too", was all I could manage to say.

Moments before she had the ultrasound going, I told her I had been feeling super nauseous. I expected a concerned look or comment, but instead she excitedly said, "Oh really?!? Well maybe there is a big fat follicle growing in there!"

Wait, what?

Apparently, (and I wish someone would have told me this!) nausea is a good thing. Very good. The first ovary she looked at she exclaimed, "WOW!" and proceeded to measure a 24mm follicle, along with a smaller, 14mm follicle next to it. There were only tiny ones in my other ovary, so she only measured the biggest one, which was way too small to count.

But seriously. My miracle had happened. My little, struggling follicle had grown THIRTEEN MILLIMETERS in two days. That's more than it had grown in the past two weeks.

I don't know why, I don't know how. But I don't really care. It happened - to me - and I am grateful. My faltering faith and hope was revived. I am grateful for science. Grateful for miracles.

The nurse was so excited, and kept thanking me for giving her good news and being her first easy patient. I don't think she understood or appreciated just how or why, but in reality, SHE had just given me the best news of the month. I was beside myself.

This is where I can't seem to find the words to describe how I feel about this little miracle. Silence and awe seem the only appropriate response. No, this isn't a positive pregnancy test, but it was close. I needed that miracle, that small dose of hope and optimism to keep me going. It really just made me stop and think ... God does care. He cares all the time, I know. But this was so special, so personal.

Now we enter the two week wait. I am aware that we may not get pregnant this month, even with all of this good news. Of course I hope we do, but I'm also ok with the alternative. Because I want what God wants... I want to follow that plan. I trust the doctors, I am determined to keep a positive attitude (acupuncture is helping!) and most of all, I believe this is exactly where we are supposed to be.

Because He is good.

He heard my prayers.

He cares about the millimeters.